BDSMers more adjusted then vanillas.

A good read. I have thought this for years.

http://boingboing.net/2013/05/30/bdsm-aficionados-better-adjust.html

-Haven

Updated Presentation Schedule.

South Bend IN Munch Edge Play Presentation.  06/01/13 Will post link when FetLife comes back up.

Explorations 2, Bloomfield, MI.  6/15/13  Again, links once FetLife is working.

I am negotiating for more vents, I will post them once the have become secure.

-Haven

A little update

I have been busy as of late.  Been doing presentations and prepping for more coming up.

Just got done doing four presentations at Club 616 in Grand Rapids.  Was a great crowd and a lot of fun.  Spread the word of pleasure from pain with edge play presentation with a few willing victims going under my knifes.  I also think that I helped a lot of people understand there own desires and maybe even there own relationships better.  Over all a great time.

A the end of the month I will start helping a local club that just started at one of the private colleges.  I will also be traveling down to South Bend for an Edge play presentation.  Followed by Explorations mid June.

I am also looking at starting up my pod casts.

Stay tuned!

-Haven

Club 616 this weekend!

Looking for something to do this weekend? Why not join me at Club 616 for their fantasy and fetish weekend. I will be doing presentations on BDSM 101, Dominance and submission, Edge play, and Bondage for sex.

Hope to see you there!

https://club616gr.com/AprilFantasy.html
-Haven

After Valentine's day

Its the day after Valentine's day, and I hope yours was great.

Something to remembered, any day can have the same feelings as Valentine's day. Some random day bring home flowers for your partner. On a Wednesday night, slip on some sexy clothes and surprise your partner.

Doing this will keep the passion from Valentine's in your relationship all year long.

-Haven

Blogs and podcasts

Now accepting questions for up coming blogs and podcast.  So what have you always wanted to know or what has been burning a hole on your cortex?

-Haven

Need some help

So I am looking for more things to write about.  I just can't seem to think of anything new to write on, or to expand upon.  So I come to you my readers, what is it that you want to know about, want to know more about, or even just have a questions about.

Getting responses and feedback from you, helps me know what to write.  So please take some time, send me a message here, in the anonymous box to the right, or send me an email at KinkyasIam@gmail.com.  Let me know what you want to read!

Thanks, and as always,

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Scenes in BDSM

So I was asked recently to explain a scene in BDSM. This is one of those terms used a lot in BDSM. The short version is to look at it like a scene in a movie “a part of action in a single location.” A scene in BDSM can be short or long, and involve one or many types of play. Scenes can be done solo with one person doing a certain task or series of tasks, or involve as many people as needed. It’s one of the many terms that is very fluid and can mean many things.

For me, most of my scenes involve my pet babygirl who is my submissive. For the most part, our scenes usually have many types of play in them as we both love the variety and spontaneity that having so many options gives us. This means that a scene may or may not have impact, fire, edge, wax, rope, behavioral, pain, pleasure, sensation, and anything else I can think of.

I like my scenes to be very fluid; in a way like the old saying “No plan ever survives first contact with the enemy.” I have found more times than not that when I have set out precise plan for a scene, that it will not follow that plan. Things change, desires can change mid scene, bodies might not agree with some types of play at that time, etc.

When I am preparing for a scene, I do like to start at the end and work my way back. When I want to scene, I usually have something that I want to accomplish by the scene. That could be anything from making her cry, sending her into subspace, trying a new toy for the first time, or working on a specific tie.

After I have that idea in place, I will set about setting the space with the necessary items. Laying crops, whips, floggers, canes, rope, etc within reach so I don’t have to step away. If the scene might get messy, I make sure there are towels nearby as well. I set the aftercare items nearby, like her blanket, candy, and water. I will also take time to set the mood of the space. If it is going to be a dark scene, I light some candles leaving most of the space shrouded in darkness. On the other hand, if it’s going to be an interrogation scene, then I get out the bright work lights. Either way, I make the lighting fit the effect I want on the scene.

Last is music for the scene. I have a few playlists that I have set up for types of scenes. Most start slow and build with speed and tempo as the scene progresses. Others are just a mix of good music to have in the background of any scene. I also have some files of just sound effects if that is what I want. Some are full of the sounds of a dungeon, people being beaten and crying, another is just the sound of wind and trees. It all depends on what I want the scene to be.

Then we scene… Use your imagination here…

Ok, so now that the scene is done, one of the things that I do is ask for a scene report within 24 hours of the end scene. This scene report is simply the submissive or bottoms feelings about the scene. It can be just feelings or very specific on how each part felt. The reason that it can be vague is that once some bottoms get into the scene what’s actually happening stops being remembered… They can remember that something happened, but they couldn’t tell you what did it. I have had bottoms forget that a toy was used at all, to confuse it with another one. In one case I have a bottom tell me that she loved the use of the paddle I used, but I hadn’t used a paddle in the scene…

The scene report helps me, as the top know what worked for the bottom, what was liked, what was not, what reactions were gotten, etc. I also will sometimes right my own thoughts after a scene. Sometimes I share this with the bottom, sometimes not it depends on the scene. Either way, this is a learning tool, a communication tool, to help everyone become better at what they are doing.

So there you have it, a sum up of a scene.

Questions, comments, concerns, feel free to shoot me a message.

-Haven

Booking Haven deLancret

Thank you for your interest in having me present at your next event.  These are the presentations that I can do. Before contracting me about your event, please have an idea of what presentations you would like.

My standard compensation is

• $100.00 USD per hour presentation or class
• Travel expenses from Kalamazoo, MI
• Entrance into your event for myself and my girl, Calla Lillie.  
• If you would like me to present on more then one day, or, I am travelling more then four hours then I will also ask for overnight accommodation be provided.

I am willing to be flexible and negotiate on compensation, so do not be afraid to contact me for fear of not being able to afford the compensation.  You contact me for booking info at kinkyasiam@gmail.com.  I look forward to hearing from you!

-Haven deLancret

My Presentations as of 2012

Below is a list of my presentations.  If your interested in booking me for your next event, you can find that info here.

Kink 101/Spicing up your relationship
We all have to start somewhere, and this is a great place to do just that. Come learn some of the common fetishes and kinks, basic kink safety, terminology, and some tips to finding others that have the same interests. Let me give you a guided tour of kink along with some ideas on how you too can get kinky!

1 hour presentation

Vocabulary of BDSM
Dominant, submissive, top, bottom, toys, limits, safewords, scenes, Dacryphilia, behavior modification, daddy, babygirl, Mongolian cluster fuck...  What the hell does it all mean?  Well Haven deLancret will shed some light on the language used more commonly within BDSM and kink.  This class will give you the ground work of that language so that you can find what your into as well as your partner from a real person and not Urban-dictionary.  And yes, there will be a test.

1 hour presentation

The Sensual Sadist
There are two sides to every coin. The same goes for most kinky activities. Sensual play is the opposite of hard play. They both have there advantages and bring forth different reactions in your bottom. From using softer objects for hard play to the softer side of a paddle. By using sensual play in your scenes you might be able to bring out new and wonderful reactions in your bottom.  Come see how to incorporate sensual play into your scene from a Sensual Sadist!

2 hour presentation

Relationship communication
Communication, we are all told to do it, but sometimes we lack the how to do it. Well that can end here. Come and learn some new ideas on how to openly talk with your lovers on topics of sex, kink, and fetishes. From how to break the ice to some basic terminology so you know what it is you really want. If communication is the key, your silence is the lock...

2 hour presentation

BDSM on a College Budget
Where to find inexpensive toys, thinking outside the box in a big box store, how to make a few inexpensive toys, and much more.

1 hour presentation

The Fun-damentals of Poly
Listen and learn some of the basic concepts and ideas of polyamory. From the why, to the how. Even some ideas on conquering some of the most frequent issues with jealousy, intimacy, and time management. Also learn some of the pro's and con's of this kind of relationship.

2 hour presentation

Bucket of gas on those old fires
Has your relationship lost that loving feeling? Well don't turn to old '80s movies, turn to yourself and what you can do to rekindle those flames with the winds of some new fun. Tips on how to spice up your sex life, how to find that love that you may have lost, and to get back to those feelings that you might have lost along the way of a long term relationship.

2 hour presentation

Switch/Switching, The Role of Balance
So you like to do it all, you like to balance all of it in your life.  You want to flog and be flogged, you like to control and be controlled.  Are you just plain greedy and want it all?  This is a presentation on switching and the balancing act that comes with it.  The problems and tribulations that can come from desiring both sides of the coin, the sense of serenity that can come from finding that balance, and all the other fun sides of knowing that you want it all.

2 hour presentation

Dominance and Submission
The behavioral side of BDSM.  A presentation on the control, the freedom, the power, and the service that can be found within the dynamic of Dominant and submissive.  This will focus on the behavior found in most D/s relationships, looking inside yourself as to what you want in this type of relationship, and as well as other aspects of Dominance and submission, and even switching between the two.

2 hour presentation

Knife, Edge, and Scratch Play
Learn the power, excitement and sensuality that can be found at the edge of a blade against the skin. Learn how to use knifes, claws, large blades, even your own nails in scenes and other sexual fun. Feel free to bring your own blades and see that any edge can be used in this way.

1 hour presentation

Playing with Fire 101
I want to set you on fire! No really, we are going to cover the basics of playing with fire torches and fire cupping.  Fire safety will be discussed at length, but also how to incorporate it into your scenes, how it can be a scene itself, and some other benefits of fire.  This is the class designed for those that have never played with fire outside of grandpas garage and now want to bring it into the bedroom.

2 hour presentation

Acting Class for the Bedroom
We call them scenes, so lets take it further. If its a scene then you are the actors, in that respect I will show you some skills and tricks to help you become the lead in your scenes. From some basic acting skills, to how to take a role further then you thought you could, or even to express your inner self. While these roles are who we are, and in that respect are you, I want to show how a few simple tricks can bring that role out even more during your scenes.

1 hour presentation

Presentation on Presenting
Ever wanted to share your hard learned knowledge with others? Been to a class or presentation and thought, I could do that better?  Here is your chance to, learn about the skills needed to be a presenter.  Hear about pitfalls to avoid, how to keep an audience attention, preparation and others. I have been presenting, speaking in public and standing up in front of crowds for over 20 years, and I will pass on the experience to you.

3 hour presentation

Parenting and Alternative Lifestyles
Here you are exploring, or diving head first into a new lifestyle, as a parent and the question I know has crossed your mind "Am I going to fuck up my kids life?"  Come listen to Haven deLancret talk about exactly that from both as a child that was raised by geeky, pagan, poly, kinky, D/s, SCA, (maybe more) parents who is also raising kids of his own within many of those same lifestyles and others.  Stories will be shared of his own experiences as well as the experiences of his many friends and family from those lifestyles.

3 hour presentation

Dominant vs. Abuse
There is a difference, and everyone should be aware of them  All of us should know what those signs are, how they can be avoided, and so we can weed out those people from our lives.  Come learn what the differences are, what red flags to look for within those differences, and how you might also help point them out to others in your community.

1 hour presentation

More coming in 2013!

If you have any questions about any of my presentation, feel free to contact me at Kinkyasiam@gmail.com.

-Haven deLancret

Sub-Shop Closing

So I found out last night that one of my favorite adult toys stores is closing.  Autumn's Sub Shop will be closing its doors soon.  I have bought many toys from them, recommended them to many of you, and while it saddens me to see this great site go down (snicker) for the last time, they are clearancing out everything until they close.

Check them out before they close,

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Polyamorous, another round

This will be a continuation of my thoughts on poly relationships, or non-monogamous relationships (thank you Ethical Slut for that one).  My first blogs on poly can be found here: Polyamorous, lovers of many... and Feeling Alone in Poly.  I would suggest reading them first so that you have a base for my further thoughts, but that is just a suggestion.

In the past few months I have been asked a lot of questions and discussions about non-monogamy.  These have lead me to do some deep thinking on the topic, on what makes poly work or doesn't, what works for others and me.  What I have found is that while my original blogs are still true, I found some ideas that I wanted to share.

I write the following towards established relationships that are looking to explore non-monogamy, or those that are single and looking for the joys of multiple relationships.  I do this because it is very rare to find both of your partners at the same time, or more commonly, advice for the third party is absent in more literature that I have found.

Needs, we all have them, some are easy to fill, others are not.  We can try to find one person that fills all those needs, or find someone that fills most of them and know that some will never be.  On the other hand, if you had two or more partners to fill those needs, you would not need to find one person to fill them all.  You could have some meet by one partner and the rest filled by the other.  In the end, you have all your needs met, feel happier and more fulfilled.

These needs could be a bisexual that has to only be with a partner of one sex.  It could be a hobby that you want to share, like biking or running, that you would like to have someone close to do that hobby with.  Again, it also could be that you are the type of person that needs to be around people and having that other partner allows you to have be close to one of your partners at all times without smothering them.

Another part of non-monogamy that I feel gets left off is the "third", or the other partner since most (but not all) non-monogamous relationships are an established couple looking to bring in another.  There are those that are poly from the get go and go into all there relationships knowing they are, but it has been my experience that they are less common.

That being said, one of the issues that I hear fairly often is that people that don't have time to date, or they feel they don't have the time to give to a relationship.  While I can understand this, for those that feel they do not have enough time to give someone else in a relationship might find that being a partner to someone that is poly can give them that connection that they want, and as long as that time constraints are discussed and known before hand, can be rewarding to everyone.  It gives that 3 year med student a relationship to call upon when needed, but also the knowledge that they do not feel they are neglecting that relationship.

Unfortunately, there was one dark mark that I wish to address.  When in a non-monogamous relationship, you can not force it.  If someone forces a poly relationship upon a partner that is not fully open and agreeing to it, animosity can happen.  This animosity might not even be directed at the partner or the established relationship, but upon any person that is brought into the relationship.  If there is animosity with in the partners, then there will be issues that will come up.  If one of the partners is upset, then that has to be dealt with and should take priority over all else.  For if these issues and animosities are not, then you will see one if not both of the relationships end.  If there is any doubts, concerns, of even if you feel uneasy, sit down and talk about them.  If your just uneasy, then talk about it but also remember that if this is new, any time you step outside your comfort zone that uneasiness is possible.  So, DO NOT FORCE NON-MONOGAMY ON SOMEONE!

I know that there is so much more that I could write, but I will leave at this for now.  As always comments and questions are welcome, and can be done anonymously.  If you would prefer, you can always use the comment box to the right, or send your comments or questions directly to me at kinkyasiam@gmail.com.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

What does Healthy Sexuality Look Like, From Good Vibes

A wonderful article on what healthy sexuality looks like.  I agree with the author on what our society needs for open, healthy sexuality.

What Healthy Sexuality Looks Like

-Haven

Whats on your "Girl Code"?

So whats on your Girl Code?  That code that all girls follow.  Like "No friend will date an ex for at least the same amount of time of the relationship."

So whats on you Girl Code?

What is your "Guy Code"?

I would like to know what your Guy Code is?  You know, those written rules that all guys have between each other.  So whats on your Guy Code?  Share a few here, again they can be completely anonymous.